HUMOUR: 2125 Sports History Conference, Debate Topic: How many Eddie McGuires were there in the early 21st century?

Eddie "Everywhere" McGuire, an influential early 21st century figure in Melbourne life, was the subject of intense scholarly debate at the Sports History Conference held in Melbourne in the Year 2125

HUMOUR: 2125 Sports History Conference, Debate Topic: How many Eddie McGuires were there in the early 21st century? by Patrick O'Brien

This is a report from the 2125 Sports History Conference held at the inner-city campus of Clayton, Melbourne and hosted by the Monash-RMIT-Latrobe University on 14-15 January 2125. The conference was held in extremely hot weather with temperatures reaching a record 59.5 degrees Celsius on the first day and then dropping to the high-40s. Unfortunately some conference delegates were distracted by the TV screen showing the Australia versus Saudi Arabia test cricket match live. (Because of serious global warming the test match was being played on Macquarie Island which is around halfway between Tasmania and Antarctica.) It is suggested that no live TV telecasts of test matches be shown at the conference in future years.

Debate at the conference was centered nearly exclusively on the conference theme "How many Eddie McGuires were there in the early 21st Century?" Heated and vigorous debate occurred throughout the conference as old enemies locked horns once again. A resolution to this long-standing scholarly debate is not yet in sight.

Professor Cuthbert Rumbold opened proceedings. He is the leading scholarly figure representing the "One Eddie McGuire" camp and he is founding editor of the respected scholarly journal "One Eddie McGuire Studies". He began his talk on the opening day by outlining his usual arguments in favor of there being only one Eddie McGuire who dominated Australian life in the first three decades of the 21st century. He points to the fact that pictures of Eddie McGuire in newspapers of the era clearly all show the same somewhat round-faced and pale-skinned individual wearing black suits and white shirts. He points to the nickname "Everywhere" and argues this suggests only one Eddie McGuire was in fact President of Collingwood Magpies FC, President of Melbourne Star, and the host of Channel 9's "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" He also showed ancient TV footage which shows Eddie and his son watching Collingwood lose to Greater Western Sydney in the 2023 AFL Grand Final. (This was the first AFL Grand Final in history to be played in Sydney.)

Next to speak was Professor Stephen Peacock of the "Two Eddie McGuires" camp. This group of leading scholars includes those who believe there were three Eddies and the few scholars who support the radical and somewhat extreme "four or more Eddies" hypothesis. Professor Peacock is founding editor of the "Two Eddie McGuire Studies" journal. He argues that it would have been highly unlikely in the conservative and hierarchical "old-money" society of 2010's Melbourne for any one individual to have been able to amass so much power. He argues that while it might have been possible in Sydney it would have been impossible in the Melbourne of that era especially for a man allegedly only in his mid-40s at the time. Therefore, this camp argues that there must have been more than one Eddie McGuire in sports circles in Melbourne in the 2010s. Whilst improbable this camp argues that such coincidences can occur and are more likely than the "fanciful" and "unscholarly" scenario proposed by the "One Eddie McGuire" group.

Lastly the leader of the non-aligned group Professor Ernest Grainger addressed the conference just before lunch on the opening day. His group are not fully convinced by either the One Eddie or the Two Eddie theories and call for more detailed archival research of the newspapers of the era (i.e. those still remaining after the destruction wrought in Melbourne by the Anglo-Islamic War of 2067-69).

We wish all the conference delegates best wishes for their future scholarly activities.

[By Patrick O'Brien, 18 January 2125] 

Footnote: The above article is intended as humour only. I have nothing against Eddie McGuire personally. In fact I have never met him. There are plenty of worse people out there [by Patrick O'Brien].